where am i from again
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
