I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
