Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
