It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
