girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
