saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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