i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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