Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
