i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
