doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Someone signed my nipple.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
