My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
