Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
