my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
