my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
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