He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
