I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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