Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
