Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
