The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
