u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
