life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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