I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
