Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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