i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
