you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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