First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
