he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
