I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I puked a lego.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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