I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
