my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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