I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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