How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
