Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
