I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
