im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize