I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Less talking, more tequila
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Randomize
