I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize