i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
