He disabled his match.com account in front of me
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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