Only a mothe r could love this liver
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
