if you like me you must not know who I am
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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