take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
