shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
