Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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