ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
She even gives head with a lisp.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
