Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
