Me. At least after what I've been through.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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