i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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