youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
