Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
