Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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