so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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