just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Randomize
