Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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