didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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