hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
