Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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