your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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