Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I AM VODKA MAN
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
