dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Randomize
